Source: at://did:plc:v2j2g5pdghrwazhbw6gvxtdp/app.bsky.feed.post/3llkhhdeqhk2d
Tonight will be a nice weekend break for me. Gonna be having dinner at a long-time friend-couple's house with their fascinating twin sister and their entertaining and sweet 1-year-old. They're making coq au vin (which I'm not sure I've had before actually), and then …
2025-03-29 23:14:50.479 / 3llkhhdeqhk2d
we'll watch an interesting movie (as always!) I might post some pictures later if I feel like it.
If I like the coq au vin, I'll learn how to make it, and take my meat-oriented culinary skills up a notch. If I do, I'll make a post about it with a recipe on my new blog.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.480 / 3llkhhdewd22d
asherwolfstein.com is going up fairly soon. I wanted a cool background, and I was going to program a dynamic one, but for now, I think that'll take too long. I do this thing where I make every project into a detailed cathedral and then it's like, "Wow, this is amazing, but huge," and …
2025-03-29 23:14:50.481 / 3llkhhdexcc2d
it's one of the biggest reasons I have trouble being very outwardly productive or keeping a consistent achievement / release schedule. That's really it these days. Not for all time, but these days.
After my depression improved a *great* deal after a lifetime of suffering, that's pretty much it.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.482 / 3llkhhdeybk2d
That's the mundane boring reality.
I think, a lot, like a lot lot, and read a lot, like a lot lot, and end up chronically not managing my time that great, and, big surprise, I have ADHD. I also score 72 on that RAGS thing, but nobody's actually ever mentioned that to me. I know, anti-climactic huh?
2025-03-29 23:14:50.483 / 3llkhhdezas2d
All of that is real actual life, and it's great. I love it.
This is just where I post what I write and what I think and such. What is important to me, what I'm passionate about, what I observe, what *happens* to me, what people *say* or misrepresent, or whatever… like everyone else *sigh*
2025-03-29 23:14:50.484 / 3llkhhdezat2d
I have a right to say and talk about whatever and whoever I want to talk about for any reason I want to talk about them. I don't lie. I go out of my way to not misrepresent. I don't knowingly engage in defamation, libel, slander, or maliciousness.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.485 / 3llkhhdezau2d
I don't *want* to scare people, and I stop doing whatever if something *I've* done is doing that but only if it's a reasonable request, like not interacting with someone *directly.*
2025-03-29 23:14:50.486 / 3llkhhdf2a42d
Here's a tip: if you don't want someone to interact or "engage" with you, then don't post about them or to them or vague post about them or whatever. Just don't do anything with them or about them at all.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.487 / 3llkhhdf2a52d
*Most* of the time I don't really *care* if someone interacts with me or doesn't, their choice. I take it as it comes. I don't *want* to talk directly with @redlianak.bsky.social ever again, so if she does contact me somehow, that's *up to me* to ignore it and not respond, not her.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.488 / 3llkhhdf2a62d
I'm not pining over other people's attention. I have attention of my own in real life. I have a husband who loves me and talks to me all the time. I don't need attention, especially not yours. So, just, please, stop acting like I do, it's disrespectful to me. It makes you look like an idiot frankly.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.489 / 3llkhhdrllw2d
So, I'm not a hypocrite here. If you have something to say to me, just say it please, directly, naming me. Don't block me and then send vague not-specifically-named messages intended for me (because I don't know, maybe they're not, how do I know?)
2025-03-29 23:14:50.490 / 3llkhhdrml62d
I @ people so that people know *exactly* who the fuck I'm talking about because I have an incredibly deep and consistent affinity for accountability, and that's how you hold people accountable.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.491 / 3llkhhdrml72d
Dancing around them to put on a show for everyone else does not do that at all. It turns you into a cruel poking narcissist*ic* bully who thinks they're smarter, funnier, more interesting, and a better "main character" in life.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.492 / 3llkhhdrmla2d
That's what I've been dealing with for the last 6 months because everybody gotta be *kind,* proper, "really careful," not harassers, *respectful,* and all that… but I don't pay lip service to that. I just give it to you straight, and *that's* respecting you.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.493 / 3llkhhdrmlb2d
Ask yourself, why is it SO important they all do that, when I don't do it and still do just fine (except for that guy impersonating me)?
2025-03-29 23:14:50.494 / 3llkhhdrmlc2d
Notice how long this thread is? It's not because I'm raging and manic. I'm actually calm right now, looking forward to the evening. This is literally just how I choose to write sometimes.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.495 / 3llkhhdrmld2d
If you don't *actually* read it, then don't respond like you did, that's just not productive or beneficial for either of us. If you don't *want* to read it, then it's not for you *shrugs.* I don't *need* to alter my writing for some communicative goal you just invented and put into my head.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.496 / 3llkhhdrnkl2d
That's almost always *not* why I'm writing it or publishing it, so, it's unnecessary. It's unnecessary because I know that if I tell you it isn't, you'll most likely make fun of me for lying, being embarrassed, covering it up, or not "contributing" to something or whatever, or …
2025-03-29 23:14:50.497 / 3llkhhdrnkm2d
you'll be mad and insist it most definitely provably is by everything I've written before (except this) because who possibly *doesn't* care about everyone else understanding every little thing they say. No human does that! It's physiologically impossible! It's WIRED into us as social creatures!
2025-03-29 23:14:50.498 / 3llkhhdrnkn2d
Please, just, spare me. It's unnecessary. And no, I don't need to accept it graciously and smile. It's NOT polite, so I'm NOT polite. Just don't say it, shut the fuck up, you're not that important or wise.
*I do not need to constantly make room for all your endlessly good intentions.* Fuck off.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.499 / 3llkhhdrnko2d
I don't *care* if you can't understand what I'm writing, not my problem. I don't *care* if you think it's longwinded as fuck, if it's autistic, if it's meandering, if it's rambling, if it's disturbing (unless you think some threat *someone else* wrote is me), or whatever.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.500 / 3llkhhdrnkp2d
I won't, don't, and can't control your opinion or your expression of it. I am incredibly aware and sensitive, always, to where I end and you begin.
That goes a LONG way with practically EVERYONE. I recommend everyone try it for a month, just to see.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.501 / 3llkhhdrnkq2d
If I *need* you to understand what I'm writing, I'll make sure you understand just fine in whatever way don't worry. I don't *have* to write longform, I do fine shortform too.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.502 / 3llkhhdrnkr2d
I *choose* to do this not out of some neurotic compulsion, but, it's what I'm choosing to do right now. It's so criminal, I know, making my *own* choices without any regard to how a society that has *definitely* rejected me thinks about it.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.503 / 3llkhhdrojz2d
I've *already written this* but if you *don't* believe me, *that's on you,* not me. If you have *different expectations* than what I'm telling you to have about me, *that's on you.*
2025-03-29 23:14:50.504 / 3llkhhdrok22d
If you think you have me all figured out and know the 'real truth' and some asshole sends you an anonymous message (why would I do that?) confirming all of it and you believe it despite me telling you it's not true *that's. on. you.* Not me.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.505 / 3llkhhdrpjc2d
I don't *need* you to believe me. I don't *need* to meet your expectations if I'm not hurting you. I don't *need* to do fuck all of anything, so stop demanding I do. It's never happened, it doesn't happen, and it isn't going to happen. I don't respond to threats, and there are *NEVER* negotiations.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.506 / 3llkhhdrpjd2d
My Mom threatened to spank me once when I was 4, and I said, "Go ahead! Spank me!" And she did. So there ya go.
I'm extremely comfortable, secure, and confident in who I am, how I present myself, and what I believe. Ever since I was a little kid.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.507 / 3llkhhdrpje2d
I've never worried or gone into existential crisis because of those things. I've gone into existential crisis about *other* things that I *don't* owe anyone an explanation for. None of this is suddenly new.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.508 / 3llkhhdrpjf2d
This is not a revelation. This is not getting out of abuse and seeing the world anew. This is not enlightenment to be a "better person" ?. It's just me and how I've *always* been.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.509 / 3llkhhdrpjg2d
Believe me? Don't believe me? Take it at face value? Read into it? Hate me? Think I'm full of shit? Think I'm abusive? Think I'm the bee's knees?
I don't care insofar as that's your opinion.
I might sure as hell *write* about it, but it doesn't personally affect or torture me. I don't care.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.510 / 3llkhhdrpjh2d
My stalker, now most likely impersonating me, told me when I said that on Twitter: "Whatever you gotta tell yourself champ."
You can decide to be like him, constantly, or you can decide to not be him. Your choice.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.511 / 3llkhhdrpji2d
What I write here is honestly *more* interesting right now than my mundane boring "unproductive" life, so there you go.
If you're having a trauma response, just saying here, in my experience, you should get *off the internet,* and *seek support* from whatever support networks and resources you got.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.512 / 3llkhhdrpjj2d
That's literally what I do, even when others shame or punish me for how long it takes, which is really unfair given the number of active full-blown trauma responses I've been at the end of these days.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.513 / 3llkhhdrqir2d
Do *nothing* IF you can, and if you can't and it's dangerous, check yourself into a hospital where you're safe. There's no shame in that. Get help if you need help. I do.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.514 / 3llkhhdrqis2d
Talk to loved ones. Call up a help line. Chat with someone. Watch a TV show. Eat something. Drink water. Breathe. Stare at the carpet. Sleep. Whatever you gotta do to take it even 1 second at a time.
Count if you have to.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.515 / 3llkhhdrqit2d
Visualize your thoughts and feelings as clouds in a sky that float away. My Mom told me that one. You really get a feeling of them floating away.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.516 / 3llkhhdrqiu2d
Just out of apparent interest and for the record these are my main diagnoses that are or have been treated:
(Extremely) Chronic Treatment-Resistant Depressive Disorder / Mood Disorder NOS
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorderand the dreaded ever-present
Borderline Personality Disorder
2025-03-29 23:14:50.517 / 3llkhhdrqiv2d
Please note, after 23 years and a dozen+ doctors, therapists, hospitals, treatments, drugs, and such I have *never* been talked to about (nothing bad about these necessarily):
2025-03-29 23:14:50.518 / 3llkhhdrqiw2d
Anti-Social / Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Psychopathy / Sociopathy
Paraphilias of any kind
or SchizophreniaAnd I have *NEVER* diagnosed myself. Ever.
2025-03-29 23:14:50.519 / 3llkhhdrqix2d
I don't quantify and measure my experiences against others. And I *don't* have an audience of any kind to influence or point them to any targets.
Have fun this weekend everybody!
2025-03-29 23:14:50.520 / 3llkhhdrqiy2d
ATProto root record: 3llkhhdeqhk2d