Source: at://did:plc:v2j2g5pdghrwazhbw6gvxtdp/app.bsky.feed.post/3lli2sfen3n22
I love all of you. I have a love for humanity as each person is. That doesn't mean I have to accept anybody's shit or take care of anyone. That's not love, right?
2025-03-29 00:23:03.550 / 3lli2sfen3n22
I express my love as those who have loved me done for me: by speaking the truth and talking to me honestly. Coddling me and protecting me from myself isn't love, and it isn't my love.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.551 / 3lli2sferxv22
I can be angry, annoyed, upset, sad, traumatized, lonely, rageful, and very affectionate, genuine, and sweet. I have a lot of heartbreak, and it can be very heavy.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.552 / 3lli2sferxw22
None of this is fun. People being scared isn't fun. Self-harm isn't fun. Watching someone spin out isn't fun. Witnessing social violence isn't fun.
It isn't satisfying. It's horrible. This is all just heartbreak.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.553 / 3lli2sfetwg22
There's a reason my husband loves me very much, and has stayed with me for twenty years. I don't know if I could go on without him. It's not because he enables me, or coddles me, fights my battles, or gets something bizarre and manipulative out of me.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.554 / 3lli2sfetwh22
It's because he loves me.
Everyone who truly deeply knows me loves me.
I have unending patience, respect, joy, and very very dear and tender overwhelming feelings I guard with everything I can because this happens.
I don't *owe* them to fuck all of anyone.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.555 / 3lli2sfetwi22
I point out what people are doing, especially to me. I hurt their feelings. I destroy the pretense they're putting up. I call out their shit, just like people did / do to me.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.556 / 3lli2sfetwj22
I fiercely, vehemently, and with no apology enforce where they end, and where I begin, lest they become me, or me them. I exist. I matter, at least to me.
And then all of this happens.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.557 / 3lli2sfetwk22
This is my love. It's because I actually care about you. That doesn't mean I owe you anything at all that you don't show me, and I'm not guilty over that.
People run away. They run away and demonize me, crying, in pain, and I hate it, but what can I do? I only spoke the truth.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.558 / 3lli2sfeuvs22
I want to reach down and scoop them up, "Don't run away! I like you!" The Borderline in me comes out, "Please don't leave me. I'm trying to help. I'm being me. I'm extending the generosity of telling you the truth as I see it. I'm *can't* lie to you. I love you, please don't abandon me!"
2025-03-29 00:23:03.559 / 3lli2sfeuvt22
But they run away.
And my heart breaks even more. And no, I don't post it online. Why the fuck would I do it? I don't need community. I don't do groups precisely because of this shit. My heart breaks and breaks and breaks and I cry to myself.
I never let anyone see me angry or cry in public. Ever.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.560 / 3lli2sfeuvu22
What I write isn't out of rage. This is, for the umpteenth time, what I do. I'm not going to stop. I don't have to stop. Why should I stop? Why should I *have* to stop?
2025-03-29 00:23:03.561 / 3lli2sfeuvv22
I'm not going to take on the responsibility and the guilt of an abusive criminal for the betterment of everyone, including them, locking myself into a cell so he can go free. That doesn't make me a good person.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.562 / 3lli2sfeuvw22
That kind of martyr is the biggest victim of them all, if we really want to quantify that shit. (Please don't, I never did.)
That's been my point all along.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.563 / 3lli2sfeuvx22
It's extremely uncomfortable, painful even, for me to write this. I know, I said that stupid line. But, I feel I must, so people can understand, maybe, possibly, in some far-flung imagined world I always picture in my head that never ever actually happens. At least not yet.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.564 / 3lli2sfeuvy22
I love myself. I love people. I don't *want* to see them suffer. I really don't, but sometimes, they do because of what they've chosen to do to others or themselves. Withholding their consequences is so so so horrible. We can see what happens when people do that right now.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.565 / 3lli2sfeuvz22
I know, from experience, especially the last six months, that nobody is going to read this seriously, or believe me, or even think of me as a person at all, but, all I'm asking is that you don't let me fall prey to a sociopath and end up institutionalized forever because …
2025-03-29 00:23:03.566 / 3lli2sfevvb22
the people I talk to can't handle their own fucking shit and be responsible *only* for what *they* do *to themselves.*
Especially not in this administration. I could end up in a terrible one, again, under the hands of someone like @hellscapewanderer.bsky.social, or @ladydiabolique.bsky.social, …
2025-03-29 00:23:03.567 / 3lli2sfevvc22
or worse, someone who's actually effective. Like the priesthood, or youth coaching, that field is the kind of place that type of person that sometimes gets in because they love this power dynamic abuse shit.
I know.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.568 / 3lli2sfnefk22
I want to live, but I'm not going to be subjugated to the murder machine that is society.
The truth is valuable. Honesty is valuable. And that's all I am, whatever else I may do.
No value can be predicated on a falsehood. None.
2025-03-29 00:23:03.569 / 3lli2sfnefl22
I'm not the dangerous one here.
2025-03-29 00:23:29.142 / 3lli2t5rmct22
I never was.
2025-03-29 00:23:38.228 / 3lli2tggved22
ATProto root record: 3lli2sfen3n22