Now that the ‘high’ of defending myself until the end has worn off, which, yeah, it is satisfying to defend yourself…
The incredibly sad banality of reality sets in and you’re left with a devastation that, I think, may finally be beyond what my mind can emotionally comprehend, actually. At least, for now.
While I’m satisfied, my heart is so fucking broken I can’t actually think about it for too long. It’s almost like physical pain. But,
Do not mistake this as me seeking pity or care. I’m not. Everything I’ve done is a choice I made, and so, whatever I’m feeling now as a result of those choices is on me.
I’m an extremely emotional person whether anyone wants to believe me or not, and I want to point out the following:
- I’m not happy. This isn’t fun. This is horrible. All of this has been horrible.
I’m not gleefully celebrating what’s happened to Liana, both before we ever entered into the picture, or after.
I actually don’t want the focus to be about how “bad” Liana is anymore than I ever wanted the focus to be on how misogynist, transphobic, or horrible I allegedly am. Maybe you still think this about me, and, whatever.
If I can even presume to know the future, I don’t want her to be outcast as horrible, as if she’s “the devil,” or all that near-religious good-vs-evil unnecessary angle anymore than I wanted it done to me.
People are complex, but nuance isn’t excuse.
These are all “framings” that we can adopt or discard as is useful. This one isn’t useful, in my opinion, but more and more are adopting it as more and more people use cameras as tools to take control of their lives.
I’ve encountered many people with many problems in psychiatric hospitals, which was mostly what I meant when I wrote about “horrible things I know.” Every single one of them were people to be appreciated and considered, not used, thrown away, or hidden from society. - For me, it was never about not being seen as a “bad person.”
It was about the truth, the fact I was scapegoated, and the asymmetrical ability for one person with a camera and following to completely rewrite who I am. It was about refusing to “let” that happen.
It wasn’t about the fact that our friendship ended, the fight, or ‘getting back’ at anyone. It wasn’t about being told I’m a “good person,” or something I wanted from a particular type of person in any way. It was never about not taking “No,” not for me at least. On that, it was about the ability of others to take my “No” and portray me as entitled for it. - Many people did not get their way when they, very clearly, attempted to influence the course I was taking. And many people did not like being unable to transform my independent autonomous interactions with other people into it being about them, as most effectively demonstrated, frankly, by Emily Schooley.
I can’t control the focus, topics, opinions, frames, or “takes” of others, and I’m not going to try.
For me, it was never about not being seen as a “bad person.”
As long as you’re not causing a problem for me like I have encountered for the last 17 months, I’m not sticking around to argue with you about who I am or what I’ve done.
I’m exhausted from doing so.
To me, it’s self-evident at this point, or, if not, it will be by the time I’m done making the whole thing as accessible as possible, which I will continue to do.
I’ve now accomplished everything I needed to accomplish on my end, for myself, which did not involve getting anything from Liana.
It’s truly over, for me. You can choose to watch Liana spin this into some promise I’ve made she’ll hold me to so that I am lying somehow… or you can just see it for what it is, your choice. - It is high time that people come to realize that mental illness isn’t about moral character, and that therapy isn’t about being moral.
As long as people, including all the progressive anti-authoritarian leftist queer activists and advocates I’ve come across the last 17 months, act like people need to go to a therapist to understand how they’re wrong and to realize they need to apologize for being “abusive” (as in, disagreeing aggressively or refusing to hold someone else’s boundary for them, or…), or just be a “better person,” then, this is where we’re going to be.
As long as people keep being told that there is a “war” between empaths and narcissists, that so many others may be sociopaths with zero conscience because they don’t magically know what’s right and wrong (and you, of course, do), and that, if you argue with someone, anyone, and they say certain words, or react to certain phrases a certain way, or they don’t like to kiss, or they have a certain hair, eye, and zodiac combina…
As long as we see any of this as a “war” between “good” and “evil,” nurturing and exploitation, altruism and supervillainry… the longer we’re going to be stuck thinking that “bad people” look a certain way, talk a certain way, and actually care about “the good,” like a conflicted character in a sci-fi action movie all so we can feel right about ourselves, and worse, important, then, none of this is going to improve.
They don’t care about “the good,” or look a certain way, or give away “tells” they want you to catch, or just, really, care much about anything. I know, and not from all of this.
As long as what I’ve described, and more, keeps happening, then things are going to get much worse.
The reality is that not every ’emotional disturbance’ is like Norman Bates in Psycho. Some people, like me, are ’emotionally disturbed’ in a way, and there are myriads of ways, that I feel extreme emotion in every direction, including love and affection, and I have shortcomings that I will never quite overcome, like a disabled person does, that sometimes lead me into situations where others might say, take advantage of me, tell me, and I’ll fucking laugh about it because I’m so topsy-turvy at that point.
I do everything I can to avoid this, but, apparently, it’s happened twice now.
As long as we’re in all these long protracted tabloid fights, staking stalkers and narcissists in the heart, running around yelling, “I’m the only one to finally stand up to Liana, the hot redhead she is super jealous of, and stop her from…” then no one outside of a select few are ever going to understand what I just wrote, which, no, it isn’t fucking rambling nonsensical keyboard-diarrhea schizoposting, thanks.
What are you? A troll?
Yes. The answer is yes. - I am not a troll, was never a troll, never wanted to be a troll, never accepted support from trolls, never hung out with trolls, never talked amicably with trolls, and will never be a troll.
I’m effective precisely because I’m not a troll.
Liana wasn’t ultimately effective precisely because, unfortunately, she acts like a troll but with two steps removed. - Liana was wrong. I was right.
Her hateful bile, misrepresentations, and narrative abuse, born from a pathological fear (for that bit I’m paraphrasing her) where every single person that bothers you is fighting an internal battle with themselves that you’ve already won and taking it out on you so cut them out of your life immediately, and where you rely on a trauma response that, over the course of many months, turns into a completely controlled pissed off anger of telling someone what’s what (it wasn’t a trauma response all along, I guess, or, somehow, both at the same time, which, stop)…
That is wrong.
My truth, where people deserve exactly how they treat you, where the truth matters more than the dissociated flailings of hurt people trying, violently, to find people to hold on to, and where I simply wanted to resolve everything until I realized it was impossible, where we don’t lie about how weird we are, perform victimhood and shame for the normies (about ourselves, or towards others), and where value is a conscious opportunity rather than a given intrinsic you can never really know…
That one’s right.
At least, as far as I could tell, before, during, and after. Nothing about that has changed. I’m not on some journey of discovery here on that front, so no, you can’t join me. Please, go have your own.
The Obsession Was Real
I now feel safe enough to state something that I think is extremely important to consider:
My detractors were right, somewhat, about my obsession. However, it wasn’t an obsession with them, or with what they’ve “done to me,”1 or any kind of mistake, or guilt, or revenge, or them liking me, or…
In fact, I never really cared that much about Saige, Audrey, Annie, Jessica, and that whole gang on a personal level to warrant any of this. But oh boy did they want me to, which, to me, is a sign of something terrible in the environment.
It was an obsession with how my narrative was being completely hijacked and the public’s focus, now and in the future, and perception, now and in the future, of me was being shaped in a way that was placing me at a further and further disadvantage.
When I was hospitalized twice at ATU for acting as if I was a zombie rat from space named Larry sent back to Earth to help people (wow, that fursuit went sour fast), or thinking my teeth were moving around because I was “transforming,” (which ended up being yet another manifestation of a deeper psychological complex I’ve dealt with), the staff sat me down and informed me of how “at-risk” I was as an adult.
I did not invent what I’m about to write out of nowhere to be *special* or a *victim.* I was informed by some very astute staff of the ATU as to what my situation could truly be, and, to my horror, it does line up, before, then, and now.
Knowing my “place” in many strangers’ eyes, I am keenly aware of how dangerous this truly is for me.
Many are not. Not even fellow patients.
Many are ignorant, and when told about it, they can’t imagine it being that important to them, so, it’s not a thing.
To them.
I wrote about this 10 or so months ago, if not earlier, and was very much ignored or dismissed, which, on so many different levels, was horrifying.
It was apparently another histrionic overselling of danger and “victim olympics,” for Internet clout, or something, because of, well, the last paragraph.
But I know, from personal experience, what extremes other unstable people might go to that seem unrealistic to others because they don’t end up on the news or YouTube.
And I know, from personal experience, what it’s like to have to figure out a way to “escape” a place where a couple people’s opinions of you are paramount.
Not all of them are amazing people with the ability to truly care about you. This should now be very evident to everyone.
What was being shaped was a narrative that placed me in a position of suspicion, blame, disbelief, bias, prejudice, hatred, and, thus, danger, as it further increased the chances that someone, like the people sending all the anonymous messages that Liana ate up, would take advantage of my decreasing credibility
I am not responsible for criminals’ behavior or for keeping them from doing anything. I am not responsible for them copy-pasting what I might put on the Internet or for them impersonating me. If any of that is true, it’s a very scary world we’re beginning to enter.
This is part of stigma, othering, and, well, abusive “permission structures” to justify treating certain people as disposable.
People like me. And a lot others involved in this tale.
This is why I’ve always defended it tooth and nail. I really can’t afford not to. I can end up imprisoned and forgotten in, well, maybe a jail, but more likely a place that can force itself to be my ward (as it has) without having to appeal to much of anyone long term.
For anyone anywhere in any role in the mental health sphere, even patients, this is unacceptable.
That’s why this record exists, because it was unacceptable to me, and I just happen to be someone with a particular set of skills. These skills do not include lying, crafting narratives, or being malicious. They do include being highly intelligent, insightful, and eloquent… I hope.
I have no idea.
They obviously do not include marketing or appeal, lol.
The writing on the wall was plain to me after the Cancellation Video. If I wasn’t going to do this for my health and safety, all the way to the end, who would ever do it?
The truth is, people don’t “get theirs in the end,” without someone actually doing something about it.
This is a weird thing we do in America (as far as I know, I’ve never traveled out of the country), where we just assume someone will take care of it somewhere. The truth is, the majority of the time, no, they won’t. And when they do, it’s people like me who do things most wouldn’t (and I’m proud of doing those things), and then get shat on for it.
Which is partially why people don’t do it.
I’ve laid out everything anyone needs to know about this entire situation for 17 months. And so, there really isn’t much of anything new for me to say on that front, or at least, on that specific front.
So I won’t.
- I’m quoting Audrey in her vaguepost defense of Saige against my husband and me, Annie, and presumably, the cult of Jessica. Liana now joins her ranks. ↩︎