Source: at://did:plc:v2j2g5pdghrwazhbw6gvxtdp/app.bsky.feed.post/3lqbdysiz4p2w
Liana told me that she didn't like how I caused, let, expected, relied on, or whatever, other people [to] fight my fights for me. She considered it a form of dishonest coddling that was hindering me, and not letting me get to a point where I wouldn't 'throw my life away.'
2025-05-28 23:25:02.298 / 3lqbdysiz4p2w
She encouraged me, or chastised me, it's really hard to tell, to fight my own battles, not 'run away,' (that's what she called me returning to baseline after going into crisis, something I explained and the basis for my entire apology), and to deal with things myself.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.299 / 3lqbdysjfsx2w
But, once again, in all her peer counseling wisdom, she got it wrong. Other people 'handling things for me,' wasn't *always* about 'saving' me, or coddling me (haha), or protecting me from failure, or not imposing any expectations or boundaries, or eroding my self-esteem.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.300 / 3lqbdysjgs72w
Maybe a rare time it was, but, that happens because I can't control other people, obviously.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.301 / 3lqbdysjgsa2w
But, otherwise, Maus might handle some conflicts, or my mother, or in times past, my brother, never my father (even in elementary) I don't think, and it wasn't terrible.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.302 / 3lqbdysjgsb2w
At times, I needed it because I couldn't do something. But I'd regain that ability, that discernment, and start doing it myself… again.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.303 / 3lqbdysjgsc2w
My brain is constantly dishing out a lot on my plate. Writing these takes *very little time,* I'm not obsessing over these for 'days.' There is so much thought and noise in my mind, it can be deafening.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.304 / 3lqbdysjhrk2w
And, sometimes I can use help handling things. Like when I go into crisis, and I know if I do anything, it will make everything worse. But why would I think that?
Why would I be *so afraid* of that?
2025-05-28 23:25:02.305 / 3lqbdysjhrl2w
And, during these times, why would my loved ones be so quick, eager, or apt to handle things while I recover?
To Liana, and many others, it fits the trope: they refuse to 'let me' fail, to make me face my consequences, to lose, to suffer, and to decompensate at my own hands.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.306 / 3lqbdysjhrm2w
But that isn't the reality.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.307 / 3lqbdysjhrn2w
They are so quick because when I decide to take on everything that comes at me, everything I am concerned about, everything that people are doing or saying, that I care to take on… it's far 'worse' for everyone involved (although, it's actually better).
2025-05-28 23:25:02.308 / 3lqbdysjhro2w
Anyone who knows me and understands me, enough that I feel safe with them in expressing my raw emotions, is aware of this. They are very aware. Highly aware. You think this is the first time? That I'm learning some grand revealing truth about living in all these righteous explosions?
2025-05-28 23:25:02.309 / 3lqbdysjiqw2w
You aren't the first. You aren't special like that. I've been telling you, but no one listens. You are the same as it ever was, and will ever be. And I know what to do.
I suspect *you* are the ones learning something, as it usually happens. But, I have no idea. That's just optimistic speculation.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.310 / 3lqbdysjiqx2w
Maus, and whoever else, fight my "battles" and clean up my "messes," fixing my "mistakes" that I never made, because they are more prone to wanting less people to have to suffer. They express the same message sans the rational fury that threatens to burn everything unjust down.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.311 / 3lqbdysjiqy2w
But, this is what was demanded from me. This, for whatever reason, is what people wanted from me. They told me to "fight my own battles" and handle my own shit, so here I am.
That's what I'm doing.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.312 / 3lqbdysjiqz2w
This is what you wanted.
This is the authentic me, but, then again, it always was.
Now you face me.
And you complain that you are my victim, when, you are only a victim of your own actions.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.313 / 3lqbdysjir22w
For once, believe me when I say that I am not doing any of this to ruin anyone's lives. I'm not out to destroy, burn, maim, harass, or murder for some bizarre sense of ego. I don't have to do that when the people I'm talking about do it themselves.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.314 / 3lqbdysjir32w
All I am here to do is what I wrote before, and before that, and before that: tell people what happened to me, from my perspective, as objectively and as truthfully as I can, revealing all the lies they are being told by the people they have mistakenly trusted.
Whatever comes from that, is what is.
2025-05-28 23:25:02.315 / 3lqbdysjjqd2w
ATProto root record: 3lqbdysiz4p2w