I’ve been told that I’m evil and must either change or, more often, be dealt with since I was in Kindergarten.
At some point, as five-year-old me, I had decided my father was “thee” Antichrist, most likely because he had said as much. That wasn’t a bad thing though, oh no, It was a good thing!
One anecdote sticks out like horns at a baptism. A teacher (public school) asked if my family was doing anything that weekend. I replied with, most likely, some form of ranch work. She pressed, perhaps inappropriately, “Do you not go to church on Sunday?” I answered, “No, we don’t do that.” She inquired, now inappropriately, “Why not?” To which five-years-old me said, calmly, as a matter of fact:
”Because my father is the Antichrist.”
Needless to say, my parents received a phone call from the school whose purpose was described as “concern.”
Over what?
At home, I was not punished. I was not chastised. I was not told to shape up and not freak our other people. I was told, however, that my father was actually not the Antichrist, so saying that wouldn’t be truthful.
Can’t say they didn’t know their kid.
Since Kindergarten I’ve been told by adults, children, peers, and authorities of every walk of life that, at my core, I’m a horribly immoral person, evil, bad, vacuous, deserve the worst, and more. The idea that I’m going to hell is the most superficial among them, but I’ve been told that one many times, sometimes accompanied by cloying and manipulative evangelism to “save” me.
I do not need saved from anything. I cannot be saved.
At 5, 7, 9, 12, 15, 18, 22, 27, 32, 42… my worldview, comprised of a highly consistent moral framework whether others understand it or not, has been vilified, cast out, attacked, denigrated, and traumatizing others, allegedly.
It’s quite remarkable. The most remarkable pattern goes like this: person thinks I’m amazing, a wonderful and wise individual who thinks and does the right thing even when it’s inconvenient; person understandably inquires about my values, seeking to hear my wisdom; upon describing my values, fully, person is horrified and suffers extreme cognitive dissonance; eventually I’m never as scary, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, evil, sociopathic, etc
Imagine how a lifetime of this might affect someone, let alone a teenager, or a 5-YEAR-OLD.
In the end, I learned pretty quickly, to just laugh at it. Because it’s stupid, frankly. It could be emotionally taxing a bit, in the past, but for the most part, it’s a giant hang-up of society that’s funny to me, especially when I end up effectively caring more about other people than the ones trying to shove their expectations of that care down my throat.
Alas, there are those who will forever be convinced they know better. That they really know how I am, all of which they base off their very quirky unexplainable life full of things like being told they’re going to hell in third grade because they have red hair because who wouldn’t think and feel like they do? Who doesn’t jump to fill the role of the traumatized victim of bullying?
These individuals are not new in the slightest, nor are they unique. They’re just annoying as they run around parading their insecurities in front of others, I’m employing their logic here, using me as fodder: “He needs to be told he’s not a bad person. If people don’t jump to reassure him he’s a good person, particularly women, he implodes onto everyone in a fit of rage because of his guilt.”
Given everything here, I will once again state the thesis I’ve been asserting for the last 16 months:
- I do not care if I’m told I’m a good or bad person. It means nothing to me. The people who tell me I’m a bad person use the same moral framework as the people who tell me I’m a good person, so why should I only listen to one and not the other? I do not care.
- On that note, I am my own person, with my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I actively stand apart from others.
- No one is going to suddenly figure me out and know the objective truth about me or my psychology, particularly right after a big conflict.
- Correlation is not causation: being human doesn’t suddenly give you, or me, any direct access to the experiences of others, particularly on an individual scale. No feeling, thought, or reaction is “physiologically impossible.” Your inabilities, insecurities, guilt, and moral perspective do not an objective nature make.
And, no, being told you’re going to hell in third grade doesn’t impart some special insight. It’s unusual, or “quirky,” sure, but it lends you zero authority in its own. It does not show you the guilt everyone would feel, the trauma everyone would feel, the psychology everyone would adopt.
It shows you the guilt you feel, the trauma you experienced, the psychology you adopted.
Not me.
Neither that, or any other thing like that, imparts objective wisdom. I should know. It’s honestly not that special or unusual, really, as I can usually think of a real thing in my life that’s more extreme.
This isn’t a pity party post. I’m not a victim of being told I’m evil. I can’t be, as I don’t care. What I am a victim of is others’ hypocrisy. This post is pointing it out.
In other words, get over yourself, get your values in order, and get consistent so you can actually care about others like you say, their feelings and trauma, and stop doing this bullshit.
Unless… somehow… I’m not actually another person to care about… but… I’m sorry…
Wouldn’t that be physiologically impossible?