The skit does not take up all 37 minutes of the video. The substance of the video without all the padding is pretty short. And then, afterwards, there are the time capsule bloopers. We tried to show it in class, but the “cool as shit” intro got in the way and nobody saw it.
Ah, haha, hahahahaha, haha, ah… heh… well…
I wrote this in class as a “skit” exercise for Drama under Ms. Davidson’s tutelage with a bit of input from the others on what type of character they wanted to play.
This was pre-On Being Different, if I’m remembering correctly. At that time I was more obsessed with trying to create some sort of color coded horror labyrinth game centered around a demonic entity named Amgod (which is who On Being Different is referencing), but, of course, that never materialized. At that time, I had to create the ‘game engine’ from scratch, and guys, I was like, 14/16… a mess from unrequited love… and in Granby…
The other people involved were my good friends, shocker, I know. We decided it was so compelling that we made it into a purchase-able video for The Clasheerian Order (we needed product man!)
The camera I used was a fairly recent purchase, I believe… I think… Hmm…. well, if it’s the one I think it is, it was purchased by myself using my 4-H money that I worked for raising sheep and swine and selling them at the county fair. Yeah! That was a thing that really happened, and that I really did!
The editing was done through 2 consumer VCRs playing into each other. That’s why it bled so much. No computer editing, just 2 VCRs. The graphics/text and voiceover recording were done by a computer, but not how one might imagine. I used the tower I purchased, again, with my own 4-H money that I worked for raising sheep and swine on my family’s tiny ranch just on the edge of town (which was not a primary source of income by a long shot at the time) was, I believe, a PowerMac (not G4) running OS 9.
I had gotten a RCA (that’s what I call it) to Firewire/USB adapter somewhere (Christmas maybe?) that I could plug in to my tower and camera. This allowed me to be able to record my computer screen onto tape, which is how I was able to produce the graphics. Just make an image, make it full screen (which I think I programmed some full-screen thing), and voila, graphics. Similarly, play the video on the computer while recording the audio some other way and voila, ADR.
It may seem odd that I’m explicitly listing what equipment and how I obtained it, but there has been a lot of overreach in recent, massive misinterpretations (and outright made up shit) concerning my background and what kind of environment I lived in, so, I thought I’d clarify in the vain hopes anyone cares to take me at face value.
I’m just really good with computers, and am very resourceful regarding equipment. I don’t know what to tell you guys.
More information on this ‘franchise’ lol including full script and reworked stuff will be forthcoming, so stay tuned!
Found The Script! Here It Is!
Poking around in my cavernous archive, I found the text file of the script! So here it is:
Dark Side
Presents
An A. C. Gmork Labyrinthian Kadran X. H. Film
Dark Side of the Light
Or An American Tragedy
October 31, 1999
The Cold Night of Halloween…
Starring A. C. Gmork Labyrinthian Kadran X. H. as Jack Malkavitch
Jack Malkavitch – A.K.A. Gmork. Jack is a very smart, very controlling person with a strange past and a jealousy. He believes in the metaphysical but only to use it shortsighted advantage. He spouts he is a messiah, but he is only a pitiful creature of impulsiveness.
Jennifer —— as Bethie Sue Smith
Bethie Sue Smith – A.K.A Killer. Also a member of the of the team that committed the crime. She is airy, spritely, and seemingly innocent when not plagued with her personality disorder: Killer. Killer is a very angry man, and uses Bethie Sue to achieve his means, obviously a window of opportunity for controllists.
C—- F—– as Stevie Austin
Stevie Austin – A.K.A. Viper. A member of the team that committed the crime. He is smart, sometimes witty, and quick-thinking. However, he is insecure in such a way as to let people control him if they can get through the doorway. He is very knowledgeable about computers, and uses this power to it’s fullest potential.
G——- “Bugs” S—– as Jana Bond
Jana Bond – A.K.A. Inspector Gadget. Jana Bond is the investigator of the case. She is humorous but stern, and gets uneasy when confronted with the strange. She is strong but knows when to quite a situation.
The Situation
The group, Viper, Killer, and Gmork have all murdered a billionaire in his mansion. They did this in the name of the of the divine, and it is Jana’s mission to get to the bottom of this. She knows one of the group members, and must figure out the rest and what they did (and how). The interviews are held in her office with each suspect.
It Begins
Scene 1
Jana: Yet another another interrogation, yet another case file, yet another billionaire dead! What is this world coming to!? Well, let’s see who the lucky victim is this time. Bill Gates! Finally, I mean, let’s see who the first suspect is. Bethie Sue Smith, with an i-e. Hmmm… Ms. Cashquarter!
Cashquarter: Yes Ma’am.
Jana: Send in Bethie Sue Smith please!
Cashquarter: Yes Ma’am.
Jana: Please sit down.
Beth: [ Giggles ]
Jana: Ms. Bethie Sue Smith where were you on the night of October 31st?
Beth: Trick or treating.
Jana: I doubt that.
Beth: Killer wasn’t trick or treating
Jana: Who’s Killer?
Beth: He’s my dark side
Jana: Your dark side?
Beth: All the evil in a person gets bottled up until it manifests in your soul like a black hole eating them from the inside. When a dark side is formed it fills this hole. None of us want to die with a hole inside of us. When you die with only everything filled only then do you move on to the next life.
Jana: Who’s us?
Beth: If I tell you the leader I’m gonna have to kill you.
Jana: Security cameras saw you at Bill Gate’s mansion.
Beth: I was trick or treating.
Jana: Aha, but what was Killer doing?
Beth: Killer does bad things.
Jana: Like what kind of bad things?
Beth: Like snapping security guards’ necks.
Jana: Hmmm… Did Killer kill Bill Gates?
Beth: No. Killer can’t tell you that.
Jana: Look, if Killer doesn’t tell me what’s going on then I can promise you that Killer will be spending a very, very long time in a white room, do you understand me?
Beth: There was another trick or treater with us.
Jana: Oh, who were they?
Beth: We call him Viper. His good side is Stevie, Stevie Austin.
Jana: Thank you Bethie Sue and Killer. You may go now. They’re going to take you to a place where you don’t have to kill anyone.
Beth: Don’t take me away! Stevie made me do it! it’s not my fault!
Jana: Time to go now Killer.
[ Pushes Bethie Sue Smith out of the interrogation room ]
Stevie Austin eh?
Scene 2
Jana: Stevie Austin eh? Well he should be arriving here any minute. [ Slam ] Is that the door closing? Ms. Quartercash, I mean, Cashquarter.
Quartercash: Yes ma’am
Jana: Please send Stevie Austin in.
Quartercash: Yes ma’am.
Stevie: [ Enters ] Come on, interrogate me. Let’s just get this over with.
Jana: Yes, let’s. Steve, where were you on the night of October 31st?
Stevie: At the entrance of the Bill Gates mansion, in admiration of course.
Jana: Odd thing to be doing on Halloween, don’t you think?
Stevie: Yes, but I’m an odd individual.
Jana: Let’s just get to the point shall we. Have you been doing anything special with your computer lately?
Stevie: I’m always doing something special with my computer; quietly changing the world from the seat of my living room.
Jana: Stevie, there were twenty-four different connections from your computer to the Bill Gates’ network. Can you explain those?
Stevie: Just learning the secrets from the master.
Jana: Or checking online security. Stevie, do you know anything about a dark side?
Stevie: Yes, I know about it. Where have you heard that?
Jana: From killer himself. Stevie, what is your dark side?
Stevie: The dark side is the duality of the human soul. It is what balances the actions and the state of one entity. It is the evil that every once in a while wants out of its desolate cage to roll around in the midnight grass.
Jana: And do you have a dark side?
Stevie: Yes, I have a dark side. Its name is Viper. I formed Viper as a means to guarantee my success in the next life.
Jana: Did Viper kill Bill Gates?
Stevie: No, my dark side wasn’t strong enough. All I did was hack into the security systems, that was my job. It was…
Jana: If you don’t tell me who did it, then I can guarantee that you’ll be more sorry than you have ever been for having a dark side!
Stevie: You don’t understand, it’s hard. This decision stretches out over eternity. It forms what will be.
Jana: Only if you let it, Steve, only if you let it.
Steve: [ Breaks down emotionally ] It was Gmork, it was Jack, Jack Malkavitch.
Jana: Thank you Stevie, the cops will be here to take you. Don’t fight them, you don’t need to be in any more trouble then you are already in.
[ Escorts Stevie out of the room ]
Jack Malkavitch eh?
Scene 3
Jana: Jack Malkavitch eh? Man, this guy has the most wonderful profile. Years of switching between mental institutions, the accusation of killing his father? Apparently he was the whole leader of this thing.
Cashquarter: Jana Bond?
Jana: Yes, Ms. Cashquarter?
Cashquarter: Jack Malkavitch is here.
Jana: Oh yes, send him in.
Cashquarter: Yes ma’am.
[ Jack comes in and sits down. ]
Jana: So, Gmork, we finally meet.
Jack: Yes, Jana, or should I say Inspector Gadget. That is your call name isn’t it?
Jana: Yes it is. Gmork, did you kill Bill Gates?
Jack: Aren’t you going to ask me where I was the night of October 31st, the cold night of Halloween?
Jana: I thought I’d get to the point, wouldn’t you rather get to the point?
Jack: Ah, but Jana; it is the little things that make up life. It is the little things and routines we all go through which make life interesting, which in turn makes it bland. Isn’t that what makes ourselves?
Jana: We make ourselves Jack. Did Gmork kill Bill Gates?
Jack: It is the dark side of us that makes us do the things that people shriek in horror at. It is the dark side of our beings that makes us lay awake at night, pondering the whispers in the dark. It is the dark side of us that is the dark side of the light. We all have a dark side, it’s just that few of us admit it.
Jana: Do you have a dark side jack?
Jack: [ laughs ] I invented it! I tell these things and their just as invented complexities to the right people and they swallow it like a jagged little pill. It’s control, Jana, people who have no hope are easy to control.
Jana: Did you kill Bill Gates Jack?
Jack: Let’s not get to the point just yet. When an American Tragedy happens, it’s the people, its the news, that wants to know how they did it. It’s what biographies are made of. I met Bethie Sue at a dating convention, [ED: What is that? Like, a singles cruise? Do people who date throw conventions? Like, wut?] she was lonely, I pillaged her spirit. She sees me as a god Jana. Do you know how it feels to be a god?
Jana: [ laughs ] You’re not a god Jack! You’re nothing! You’re less than divine, you’re evil.
Jack: I met Stevie while perusing a book store. He was looking at computer books. He has a sharp mind but a weak spirit. It wasn’t long before I had him under my crushing foot of confusion.
Jana: Did you kill Bill Gates? Just say it!
Jack: Yes I killed Bill Gates and the whole world will remember my name as the one who killed the richest man in the world! They’re all fodder you know; stepping stones into a spot in history. I saw his eyes as the life left them and I knew it was over, for eternity. True evil lies over eternity.
Jana: But why?
Jack: Why? Why is the question that goes on forever. Why did I do it? Jealousy. I hated that man, he was the richest man in the world and how was I to become more famous?
Jana: For a spotlight in the news, for a spot in the universe?
Jack: Now you’re getting it!
Jana: No, I don’t want to get it Jack. You’re done for Jack. They’re going to put you in a place where you’ll never be free. You’ve bound your own future Jack.
Jack: But Jana, I was never free to begin with.
(c) 1999 A. C. Gmork Labyrinthian Kadran X. H.
That’s me, Asher Wolfstein. All Rights Reserved.