This is an Asher ramble. It is rambling. I type weird sentences, often Germanically arranged (in the inverse), because in posts like these, I type how I talk. This is how I talk. Ask Maus! This is me just, typing, off the top of my head. That’s why I can write it so freakin’ fast (everything posted today was freshly written by me today).
I wrote earlier that I can type as fast as I can talk (or put words together), and it shows.
Moving Forward
I just got a whiff of the whole Palantir manifesto hullabaloo surrounding some book that I’d probably actually buy, if only to critique it somehow. Most of that stuff is deep, don’t get me wrong, to a point, but not much of it is really that groundbreaking. Having not read the book in question, yet, I’m not speaking about that book in particular. However, from experience with many of this style of book, it’s more eye-opening or broadening than groundbreaking.
A lot of analysis, in my opinion, comes from only a handful of root philosophies and notions, and morally, only one is ever truly considered: altruism. But, you know what I think about that, so I’ll save you the endless rant that usually comes with me bringing up the topic.
I have A LOT of work and material I haven’t put up or invested much time to get ready to put up due to the circumstances I found myself in for 17 months. That’s going to change as I move forward with my fucking life, now recognizable as who I fucking am and not the bigoted misogynist caricature a very unfortunate woman cast me as so, also unfortunately, she could “save face.”
One Last Thing To Say
On that note, I have something to say before I move on to my next project(s).
This isn’t a further enmeshment, or advancing the plot, or any new information, because, I’ve said it all.
I have written tens of thousands of words, possibly 100,000+ on this entire fucking affair because it seemed like no one would give me the time of day or listen to me. And that’s really pathetic. And that’s not a description of me.
In fact, I’ve even said the following already, somewhere, probably on BlueSky.
It never fucking changes no matter how much people might suggest it does with words like ‘unstable,’ or ‘impulsive.’ I am one of the most consistent people I’ve ever met when it comes to my behavior. If you can’t see that by now, then, I really can’t fucking help your blindness.
And so, in lock step with that consistency, I am not going to be providing some cheerful and joyous video where I forgive everybody in tears of… something and concede that we all have problems and I engaged in my fai…
No.
I don’t do that, because it resolves nothing, it wraps up nothing, and, most importantly, it changes absolutely nothing.
No one has to rethink, reevaluate, redo, revise, or reprioritize jack shit when it’s constantly wiped away by the messy happy ending where everything is reset. It’s just some sad dramatic ‘story’ we’ve all made it through, and now we can forget about it.
Life isn’t a ‘story.’ Life isn’t fiction. It’s where fiction comes from, not designs.
With me, there is no reset button.
There’s never been a reset button. And, I have to be frank, people really seem to not like that very much.
I find this attitude strange. Truly strange.
That’s probably why I’ve never bought the bullshit that’s passing for maturity today: that respect and integrity are to be found in the opportunities for apologies and regret rather than in the fear, yes fear, of not doing whatever shitty thing you want to do to others in the fucking first place.
According to those who, by their own words, can only hope to even resemble my peers, this is creepy and scary for some reason.
And that’s because they’re spineless idiots who do, in fact, expect endless and automatic ‘understanding’ and ‘compassion’ from everyone no matter what. I put those in quotes because it’s just shitty obligatory forgiveness that isn’t, and not actually those things, and that’s why everyone dreads their existence.
Whenever I am presented with a total reset of some kind, I find it incredibly dissatisfying for the above reasons, and I’ll usually just exit because, what was the fucking point the whole time?
I don’t do things so they’ll be forgotten.
I am not to be forgotten.
People fucked up, and they’ll just have to live with that. I’ve said my apologies, and I’ve done my forgiving.
Now it is time to say, for everyone, including those in the back…
I Am Not To Be Discarded
I hope that now everyone can, and will, see, now and into the future, that I. Am. Not. To. Be. Discarded.
I will write this singular warning to anyone who might care, or should care, as I’m not interested in constantly beating these drums to levels of stark insecurity:
This is not a one-time it’s over thing that’s occurred and I never want to do it again. I don’t, but I will if necessary, unceasingly. Do not mistake this for a weird Internet-culture dramamentary for your ‘consumption’ that I won’t invest in again because I’ve done “the journey” and moved on to bigger and better things. If anyone dares to try to to shove their failures and shirk their self-assigned moral responsibilities onto me, or the nearest “crazy” in my vicinity, ever again, I am fully able and willing to invest as much time and effort as possible to do all of this again. I am not worn down. I am not depleted. I am not humbled or now wiser in a humbling way than I was before. This was tortuous for me, and I am filled with both anguish and satisfaction that the scales are now flat and even (enough), and I hate it. But, if anyone does this to me again, do not expect understanding, mercy, or “empathy” due to that. I have now fully answered the question I posed: “Empathy for what?” And all of this pain is the answer. Don’t give me reason to answer it again. This is me making everyone fully aware and there is now no reason to not believe me, so don’t.
I do not have sympathy, understanding, patience, or care for this type of situation or behavior. I repeat, you won’t be the one to show me, you are not that special, you are not the main character… I am. At least, to me, in my life, as I fucking should be, because what the fuck is that shit?
Do this again and it will be worse than what you’ve witnessed this time, because no one has any legitimate reason to not know this or believe me ever fucking again, and that will play a major factor. There are many people who have made very poor decisions in all of this that have not been forgotten, nor forgiven, nor given any reason to think so. I keep records of everything, and they are audited, aggressively. Do not forget that I have returned to trolls/antagonists from 2023 just to see what they’re doing. I once said I outlast everyone. I outlasted my friends during sleepovers growing up. I outlast everyone in any sort of philosophical discussion. I outlast my husband most nights when I’m intellectually stimulated and thinking of something while he’s falling asleep standing. I outlast and exhaust everyone, which, is sometimes good, and sometimes bad. I outlasted this. And I’ll outlast you.
And my friends, loved ones, and projects are not to be discarded or dumped on.
Do not even think of proceeding at your own peril. That’s not even a warning I’ll give, because it’s stupid. Just don’t proceed with such absolute foolishness. You think that you can beat me, but, I know that you won’t; even if you think you have everything, well, no, you don’t.
I wouldn’t want to be in the position some might find themselves in now, having aided and abetted someone like Liana, either by supporting her, joining in, or setting her up (like the anonymous messenger[s]). I know that, to some extent, I was in that position, but, now I’m not, and it wasn’t some maniacal revelation, please, stop with that crap already. I have a fucking mind if you haven’t noticed yet. It was simply looking at things as they were, what I was presented with, and how things played out in very specific ways beyond circumstance.
The world is very chaotic, especially with many dozens across the worldwide Internet contributing, and yet, many things just conveniently fall into perfect step. The difference between me, and those that remain where I was, is that I care, by default: I cared to notice instead of constantly ‘consuming’ other people’s personalities and vibes, and I cared to look at other people to see what they were all about and figure out why they did the confusing things they did.
I always do. I need no incentive, no reward, no admiration, no acknowledgment for motivation. It’s my mode of being.
I know the identities and stakes of a many number of people that probably wouldn’t want me to know that, because of this. This isn’t a threat, or blackmail, or nefarious. There are no conditions, no reset states, no bargains, and no demands. So, none of this qualifies for any of that. These are just facts. I simply know I don’t want to be them on so many different levels, as if their misery wasn’t reason enough.
By now, it should be incredibly obvious to anyone that can see past their own trauma that this is not bluster. This is not insecure bravado. I have no need to puff myself up to impress anyone, as if I ever had the chance. This isn’t some frustrated ‘sperging lolcow revenge screed’ (I do not use this language, this is for the Kiwi Farms trolls who can’t understand anything but shitnacular fuckery). This is a serious, and extremely generous, warning from someone who truly believes, down to his core, for his entire life that one thing must be done: we must stop abiding by the rules the abuser’s have set up to take advantage of us.
It’s in all the little things, just like Jack Malkovitch said (lol, sorry, inside reference):
For example,
When the abuser says, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” It seems innocuous, but it isn’t. It’s baked into our American society (or English speaking Internet culture) that we just assume there are 2 wrongs since it’s so messy. For someone like Liana, and those who read what she writes, this performs more work than many realize.
I realize it. I always realize it.
Given her constant insistence that her ‘antagonists’ (former friends, this time) truly do know what they’re doing is wrong according to the framework she subscribes to, and that if she did anything wrong, then, we’re *just as bad.*
It’s that very last part that’s the huge issue.
Huge.
We’re not “just as bad,” and I can argue that quite effectively. I’m sure you can imagine, this time being the actual reality, not some imaginary abuse I suffered to become a victim.
We don’t believe we’re just as bad, we aren’t spinning, rationalizing, or excusing something we think was bad, and we are definitely not going to be apologizing for it anytime soon. These types of assertions reinforce the framework that benefits Liana and other people who behave manipulatively:
An asymmetrical framework of constant discrediting or “leveling” where victims are proactively transformed into abusers because they have the audacity to place the responsibility for all the negative things necessary to expose the abuser onto the shoulders of the person who set them in motion: the abuser.
Stop protecting abusers from their victims by ‘buying into’ the abuser’s framework. One where victims carry the responsibility to protect everyone, including the abuser, from the abuser’s own consequences.
It’s fucked up.
Stop doing it.
It serves no one.
See you tomorrow. It’s a big day! Tomorrow is when I start producing the things I’ve been working on and wanting to do for the last 17 months, but, well, just didn’t have the time.
I wrote, repeatedly, for months, about how all of this would happen, and then, it happened.